Crazy All Night
by KilldeerCheer
Summary: Oneshot: Joe tries to prove his love for Bonnie with excitement, only to discover that it won't be as easy as he thinks.


**Classical Guy **presents:

_A Family Guy Short_

_**Crazy All Night**_

Joe was driving Bonnie home from the airport, just arriving from a long and boring flight from Paris. The man had almost lost his wife because of his own actions and he wasn't going to let her get away anymore. This time, he was a new man, and he wanted to prove his love for Bonnie.

"So… Bonnie."

"Yes Joe?"

"Uh… how are you feeling?"

"Fine, fine… why do you ask?"

"Just thinkin' about 'cha, wondering if my sweet lady needs anything."

"Oh my… you're silly." Bonnie giggled.

_Smooth Swanson… maybe I shouldn't be so fly around her…_

"I'm good Joe; let's just try to get home." Bonnie leaned her seat back and decided to take a nap.

Joe focused on his driving, but something in him was making him feel weird. Maybe some food would calm him down, but Bonnie was tired. However, he overheard some stomach rumbles from his wife, so he figured she wouldn't mind. The nearest restaurant was a few miles away, and he knew these roads like the back of his hand… he was a cop after all.

"Come on Bonnie! LET'S CRANK IT UP!"

Without effort, he turned the radio on and cranked the volume to full blast.

_SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS (JEANS!)_

_BOOTS WITH DA FUR (WITH DA FUR!)_

_THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKIN' AT HER!_

Bonnie practically jumped from her seat and smacked her head on the roof.

"JOE! WHAT THE HELL?"

Joe was busy moving to the beat while driving down the highway. Bonnie's face was plastered with WTF. Other drivers were also looking into the car with confused expressions.

"Joe! What are you doing?" she cried, covering her ears.

"I'M BREAKIN' DOWN!"

"I can see that!"

"JOIN ME!"

"I'm good…"

"COME ON! WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF AWESOME?"

"Joe! This is awkward!"

Joe's attempt to brighten Bonnie's night only proved to make himself look like an idiot. He simply shut the music off.

"Sorry… you want anything to eat?"

"Well," Bonnie responded, recovering from the mayhem, "I do feel a little famished, maybe we can stop at a McDonalds or something…"

"WHAT? Oh hell no! I know the fanciest, most beautiful restaurant in all of Rhode Island. I'm taking us there right now."

"Well okay… you sure we'll be able to get in?"

"I don't see why not…"

…

"Sorry sir but we're booked out."

"Oh come on! You gotta at least have two empty seats!"

"Well there's the bar. We have a few seats left open."

"The bar? Don't you have anything good?"

"It's okay Joe, really. I don't mind sitting at a bar. We'll be closer." Bonnie expressed, patting his back.

"Well okay."

The two walked (or wheeled in Joe's case) to the bar. There were really elegant people drinking there and Joe felt much underdressed. Bonnie took a seat while Joe had some trouble.

"This seat is too high, I can't reach the top!"

"I'll help you Joe."

"No no no, you take it easy, I got this."

Joe struggled to clamber up from his wheelchair but his arms just weren't working right now.

_Damnit Joe! COME ON! Must not look weak in front of wife!_

Joe slipped and knocked the stool on top of him. A few people laughed.

"Joe! Are you okay! Let me help you!"

"No! I need to keep my manliness!"

"Oh for fuck's sake give me your hand!"

Bonnie, with all of her might, managed to pull him up and on top of the stool. Joe had a look of regret on his face the entire time.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

A waiter walked up to them.

"What would you all like to drink?"

Bonnie: I'll have water.

Joe: Give me a Pawtucket Pat.

"Joe it's 2:00 in the morning! You're supposed to be the designated driver!"

"I just want it to sip."

"That's bullshit; you'll be wasted after the second go."

"No I won't!"

Bonnie leaned over to the waiter, "give him a root beer."

"AWW!"

Joe crossed his hands while his wife smiled to herself.

_Wow I just acted like a brat… got to keep my strength up Swanson!_

"So… Bonnie, what are you in the mood for?"

"Well I was thinking of just getting a soup."

"Don't you want any _real_ food?"

"Not really, I can't eat too much because I'll feel bloated afterwards. If you want more food that's fine."

"Okay hun."

The waiter came back with the beverages.

"And what will we be having this evening?"

Bonnie: uh, I'll just have your soup of the day.

Joe: give me the spiciest steak you have!

"Joe…"

"Bonnie please, I'm a man who likes his spices."

"You won't be able to handle it."

"You just watch."

Bonnie rolled her eyes, "whatever."

…

"Here you go sir, our finest steak with the greatest spices around."

"YEAH!"

Bonnie watched Joe as she was sipping her soup. He tore into that meal with such ferocity that it only took him five seconds before he realized how spicy it was.

"Whoa."

"What is it Joe?"

"Does it feel warm in here or is it just me?"

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

He took one more bite.

"HOLY FUCK THAT'S HOT!"

Joe grabbed his root beer and chugged it down, but that did absolutely nothing.

"I NEED WATER!"

"JOE CALM DOWN!"

The handicapped man launched himself into his wheelchair and hauled ass towards the bar's sink. Without hesitation he grabbed the nozzle and poured water all over his face. The manager walked in the scene in shock.

"Sir! What the hell are you doing?"

Joe just looked over and said, "Your steak is unacceptable."

The two were thrown out of the restaurant.

"Well that was an ordeal." Joe picked himself up.

Bonnie was in total appall, but tried to keep her cool. "Ow, Joe you are ridiculous. I told you you couldn't handle it."

"Yeah… you're right."

As much as Joe hated to admit it, he failed yet another attempt to prove his love with excitement.

_This isn't working! I'm going to have to step my game up! Now what's the one thing Bonnie likes?_

These thoughts were cut short when he noticed Bonnie's elbow was dripping blood.

"Bonnie! You're hurt!"

"What?" she looked at it, "oh my… looks like I scrapped myself on the fall."

"Are you okay? Do you feel woozy? Are you in any pain?"

"Joe relax! It's just a cut, it will heal."

"Right, I was worried there for a bit."

_Nice going…_

…

Joe led Bonnie through the town; it was a nice night, perfect for two lovers. After Joe bandaged his wife up he decided to take her somewhere.

"Bonnie! There's a carnival in town and they have the most awesome ride ever!"

"A ride?"

"Yeah! It's a roller-coaster called _The Porpoise_ and it does some wicked jumps in the air!"

"Uh… I'm not a fan of roller-coasters."

"Oh please! You're fearless! Join me… please?"

"Alright… if it makes you happy."

"YEAH!"

Joe paid for their tickets and got on the ride the moment the line when down. Everything was going well, but then the ride started.

"Uh Joe, we're going pretty high!"

"I know isn't this awesome!"

"I'm not sure!"

The carts finally made it to the top and slowly began the descend. Bonnie freaked out.

"Oh no!"

They went zooming down; Joe was enjoying himself the entire time while Bonnie was having a spazz attack. They made it to the jumps in no time, and the mix of ups and downs proved too much for Joe's wife.

"HAVING FUN HONEY?"

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"I KNEW YOU'D LOVE IT!"

The ride came to a stop. Joe led his trembling woman out of the seats and took a little stroll.

"That was freakin' electric! WHOO! Oh man I haven't been on a roller coaster in a long time! What about you honey?"

Bonnie's face was static, as if she couldn't comprehend what had just happened.

"Bonnie?"

"Joe… I don't feel good. Please don't make me do that again."

Joe sighed, looking down. "Alright."

While Bonnie vomited in a trashcan, Joe angrily took off. She looked up, breathing heavily, and saw her husband wheel towards the shore.

"Joe?"

…

Joe sat on the dock and looked out into the starry sky.

_What was I thinking? I'm not the exciting man Bonnie wants… I'm a lunatic. I caused nothing but misery for her this entire night! Maybe she'd be happier in Paris._

Bonnie quietly walked up to Joe, with a look of concern.

"Joe? It's me."

"Oh… hey Bonnie." Joe said, not looking back.

"What's up with you Joe? You've been acting really strange tonight."

Joe turned around, "I just wanted to give you an exciting night out on the town! I wanted to prove to you that I'm an exciting guy! But all I've done was ruin everything."

"Oh Joe… that's silly. You haven't ruined anything."

"Yes I have! I wanted you to have some fun in the car but I just embarrassed you, I wanted to have a nice meal with you and I just got us thrown out, and I wanted to experience some thrills with you but all I did was traumatize you… Bonnie I can see why you'd be happier with another man instead of a weirdo like me."

Bonnie smiled, crying a little, "Joe, listen to me. Being with you is a thrilling experience. Forget about Paris, I've got all the excitement I could ever want from a wonderful man like you. You don't need to prove anything."

Joe began to feel a bit happier.

"And besides, I enjoyed tonight. It certainly was an odd experience, but it's not the things we did that made it fun… it's being with you."

Bonnie leaned over and gave Joe a big kiss, which he returned.

"I love you Bonnie."

"I love you too Joe."

…

The Swansons were finally back home; Joe was reading a magazine in the living room when Bonnie turned off the lights.

"Hey! What's going on?"

When the light was back on, Bonnie came out wearing (sure enough) apple bottom jeans and fur boots.

"Uh? What is this?" Joe asked, blushing furiously.

"Are you just going to ask questions or do you want me to get low?"

The music blasted on while Bonnie began to dance.

_SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS (JEANS!)_

_BOOTS WITH DA FUR (WITH DA FUR!)_

_THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKIN' AT HER!_

Joe grinned happily, "YEAH!"

And the two boogied the night away, rekindling their love forever.

**The End! :D**

_Hey! Classical Guy here! I figured I'd go ahead and write this while I had the time. I'm still busy with __Cycles of Life__ but I'm a bit stuck with some important scenes now that the beginning exposition is out of the way. So in the mean time, I'd pay a tribute to more of my favorite characters! Joe and Bonnie… man I think these guys are a cool pairing, they're so different but they manage to always work past it in the end. For those of you who haven't figured it out… this takes place after __Foreign Affairs__._

_Long Live Fam-Guy!_

_Classical Guy_


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